having those feelings again
by beware of trips
Summary: Two milkshakes with extra whipped cream, a heartbroken boy, and bravest day of Penelope's young life.


The day is humid, the air heavy, but both their milkshakes - and the generous dollops of whipped cream topping them - fare well in the heat. Penelope expects nothing less from a shake from Pop's Chock'lit Shop.

She takes a small sip from the red and white striped straw in her strawberry milkshake as she steps out of Hal's Dodge near the shoreline of Sweetwater River. A plump strawberry graces the side of her plastic cup, waiting for the perfect moment to be eaten.

"Pop Tate told me it's supposed to rain," she says as she hands him his own double chocolate malt. She squints up at the late afternoon sky. It's still blue, but some clouds are rolling in from the distance. "I think we'll be fine."

Hal licks some whipped cream from the top of his cup when he thinks she's not looking. She bites the inside of her cheek to hold in a smile. "I have an umbrella in the trunk. Let me get it."

She grabs his upper arm as he turns away and something in her throat catches. She's surprised at how toned he is under his polo shirt and has to brush away the thoughts of the chubby kid she befriended in junior high. He's taller. Still with a broad frame, but muscular now, more defined. His eyes dart down to her hand and she smiles brightly.

"A little rain never hurt anyone," she insists. Her hand stays on his arm as she takes a few steps from the car and he follows her lead. "I'm sure we'll get back before it starts."

"I guess," Hal says in a low voice. He takes a hard pull off his straw, as if he's sucking at it for all it's worth. "I never liked the rain much, but it feels fitting now."

"I like the rain," Penelope says simply. Weather. She was wasting her time discussing the weather. "My hair though. My hair hates the rain. It starts to curl in all the wrong places and looks so silly."

Hal doesn't look her at, just stares straight ahead towards Sweetwater River, his steps slow and perfectly paced with hers. Or perhaps she was just matching his own stride.

"Your hair looks fine, Penelope."

"I mean when it rains and gets wet. That's when it looks silly."

"Right." He slows down a bit and she follows suit. He looks over towards her. "I know that. I was listening, I swear. My head just isn't here."

She takes another delicate sip off her milkshake, making him wait for her response. "Your head hasn't been here in a while, Hal. I'm really worried about you."

He sighs like he has the whole world on his shoulders and it makes Penelope's heart ache.

"I like the snow. Snow is nice." He takes another sip and stares into his cup. "You know who else likes the snow?"

"Alice," they say in unison. Penelope doesn't hold back her eye roll - she makes a show of it so Hal will see.

"Alice Alice Alice," she sighs. "Can I make you a deal?" Hal nods uncertainly at her. "You have sixty seconds to get Alice off your chest, and that's it. Everytime you talk about Alice after your minute is up, you owe me a milkshake."

It's the part where Hal is supposed to smile, but he doesn't. Just answers with a matter-of-fact, "I have a feeling I'm going to owe you a lot of milkshakes then."

Penelope clicks her teeth. "Hal, she ended it with you. She's gone. Just let it go. Trust me, you don't want to blow all your allowance on me."

"Why not?" He sticks his straw in his mouth again. "Not like I have anyone else to spend it on."

Her heart speeds up even though she knows he didn't mean it the way she wants. She places her hand on his forearm and squeezes.

"Talk to me, Hal. I'll be generous. A whole two minutes of Alice talk. Go ahead."

He sighs, straw still in his mouth. He chews on it as he starts. "I saw them together yesterday, after school. Alice and FP. I was walking to my car and they were by the bleachers. It was," he took a long sip from his malt and scrunched up his face when he was done. "It was worst case scenario."

Penelope's eyes bug out. She tightens her grip on Hal's forearm and pulls until he looks at her. "That's disgusting. They weren't - not right there?"

Hal scoffs. "Exactly. Sharing a cigarette and holding hands. Can you believe that?"

She lets go of his arm and stops walking. When he turns back to look at her, she has one hand on her hip and a smirk on her face.

"What?" he asks, taking the straw out of his malt and using it to scoop some whipped cream into his mouth. Her heart races at the action and her grin widens.

"Harold Cooper," she laughs. "Are you really upset over hand holding?"

His lips pout out momentarily before he scoops more whipped cream into his mouth. "Shouldn't I be?"

"Hal, come on now. Hand holding isn't serious."

He glares at her and fixes his eyes back down into his cup. He starts walking again as he stirs the remaining whipped cream into the malt.

"It's intimate," he mutters as Penelope walks after him. "So much more intimate than kissing or sex or anything."

She takes another small sip, savoring the sweetness. She only allows herself one milkshake a week and she likes to enjoy every single moment. The strawberry is her special treat at the end. "Children hold hands. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill."

He sighs. "You don't get it. I know Alice. I know how she is. Public affection? She has to really trust someone for that." He takes another sip, nearly polishing off his frozen drink. "You know how long it took until -?"

Penelope grabs his hand in hers. "Until this?" She holds their hands up until their level with his face. "Is this the epitome of romance to you?"

He stares at their hands for a few seconds before shifting his fingers so they're laced between hers. "It was more like this," he says quietly. Their hands fall between them and Penelope swallows hard, her heart thumping just a little too hard in her chest.

She manages to get out a simple, "Oh." Their hands hang loosely between them, but Hal is too busy slurping up the rest of his malt to pay them much mind. He's right. This does feel more intimate than anything she's done with a Greendale boy in the backseat of a car.

Hal continues slurping loudly through his straw until there's nothing left. The sound of air getting sucked through the straw normally annoys her, but there is something endearing about Hal doing it. Even with his large frame, he reminds her an innocent child. She squeezes his hand, their fingers still laced together, until he lets the straw fall out of his mouth.

"Sorry." He lets the hand holding his cup fall to his side. "My mom's always on me for that. 'The cup's empty, stop making that noise.' It's annoying, I know."

"No, no. I wasn't getting on you for anything." She extends her cups towards him, still over half full. "Here. Have some of mine."

"I'm fine. Too many sweets and all. Hiram's been telling me I need to stop stress eating."

"Nonsense, Hal. You're a growing boy."

"I don't need -"

"Here then." She reluctantly lets his hand drop from hers and picks the strawberry off the side of her cup. She dips it in the milkshake and brings it back up with a generous helping of whipped cream topping it. She holds it up to his mouth. "Open up."

"Pen, I -" She pops the strawberry in, and he bites down on it to take the stem off. A dribble of whipped cream travels down his chin as he chews and she drops the stem to wipe it off before it drips onto his shirt. Without thinking twice, she brings her finger to his mouth. He swallows quickly and opens his mouth, letting her put her finger inside. A fluttering fills her stomach as he closes his lips around her finger, feeling his tongue lick the whipped cream off. She bites her lip as she slowly as she pulls her finger out.

Hal lets out a breath and closes his eyes. "I'm sorry, Penelope," he whispers. He clears his throat and opens his eyes. She takes another sip from her milkshake. "I shouldn't. That was inappropriate, it was -"

"Intimate?" she tries, smiling against her straw. Hal rolls his eyes, smiling with her.

"Yeah, intimate."

Penelope holds her cup up to him, lipstick laced straw inches from his mouth. He takes a sip this time, his blue eyes not leaving her hazel ones.

"Hey Hal," she says as he takes another sip. She hopes her voice is playful. "You haven't mentioned Alice in a few minutes now."

He breaks their gaze by rolling his eyes and starts walking again. They're just nearing the edge of the river.

"Thanks for reminding me," he sighs. "Some days, I swear I'll never get her out of my head. Like she'd latched herself onto my brain some how. On to my heart."

Penelope purses her lips. "Sounds like a parasite if you ask me."

"My mom says it's called being lovesick. That broken hearts heal and all that. But what if I don't want to heal?"

"You want to be in love with her the rest of your life? In love with someone who doesn't love you back?" Her heart aches at her own words.

Hal shoves his hands in his pockets, balancing his empty cup in the crook of his elbow. She's hit a nerve.

His voice is soft when he speaks again and she can hardly hear him over the gentle rush of Sweetwater River. "You don't know that she doesn't love me anymore. No one can know that."

Her mouth falls slack and she lets her milkshake cup fall to her side. "Hal," she whispers harshly. She grabs his upper arm and he turns to her. "Stop doing this to yourself."

His eyes travel to the sky, hiding the tears she can already hear in his voice. Dark clouds are making their way closer and closer towards them. "Do what?"

Penelope's lips go to the side of her mouth and she stops herself from clicking her teeth. She takes the empty cup from his hand and places it in the dirt next to her feet, along with her own half-empty cup. She extends both arms towards him until he breaks his gaze from the sky to look down at her. His eyes are glassy as he raises an eyebrow at her.

"Hug me."

"Penelope, I don't -"

"Hal, trust me. Hug me."

She takes a step closer as he finally sighs and pulls his hands out of his pockets. Wrapping her arms around his midsection feels more natural, but she laces them around his neck instead. He's got exactly half a foot on her and the desire to lay her head on his broad chest is strong, but this action feels more appropriate for the situation. More _intimate_. His arms snake their way under her arms and he leans down so his face is pressed against the side of her neck. She feels his unsteady breath against her.

"Thank you, Pen." His voice cracks.

She shushes him as she slowly rubs his upper back. Never in her life has she been comforted in this way, but it comes naturally to her. Tears drip down her neck as he sniffles against her, but she just continues rocking him slowly. Minutes pass, she's not sure how many, when he finally pulls his face away. His red rimmed eyes look down at her, but neither of them break their embrace.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," he says earnestly, his voice much steader now. "You're a way better listener than Hiram. Better hugger too."

She smiles at him, unhooking her hands from his neck and letting her right one touch his cheek, still damp with tears. "I just want what's best for you, Hal."

His eyes don't break from hers as he nods. "I know you do."

"Hal," she whispers. Her hand travels down to his chin and she takes it between her fingers. A small part of her thinks she's seen Alice do this before, but Hal doesn't pull away. "Hal?"

"Huh?"

She closes her eyes and leans in slowly, waiting for his lips to meet her's halfway. She's gone too far by the time she realizes he isn't moving. At that moment, she does the bravest thing in her life.

She kisses Hal Cooper.

The only problem is, Hal doesn't kiss her back. His lips stay shut and after a few seconds, she opens her eyes and pulls her head back. His mouth finally opens as he stares at her, wide eyed. Her lipstick didn't even leave a imprint on him.

His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. "I -"

A crack of thunder makes both of them gasp. As if the heavens were opening up, a raindrop falls. Then a couple more. Within a few seconds, it's pouring.

Hal grabs her hand and they run back towards the car together. To her surprise, he heads to the passenger side door and opens it for her, closing it safely once she's inside. She pulls down the visor immediately as Hal runs around to the driver's side. His Dodge Custom has a bench seat and he easily could have gotten in first and slid down, but he chose to open her door instead.

Her makeup fared well, but her hair is a mess. She runs her fingers through it quickly as Hal slams the driver side door closed behind him. She shuts the visor quickly and smiles at him.

"Hal, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to cross -"

His lips slam against hers before she can finish talking. Her hands cup his face and his find his way into her wet hair, playing with it every which away. She moans into his mouth before she can help herself and she swears she can feel his lips smiling against hers. When he finally breaks away from her, she doesn't know if it's been thirty seconds or half an hour. Hal's leaned her up against the passenger side door and his fingers are still tangled in her hair. Her lipstick has left the faintest shade of red on his mouth.

"Was that okay?" he asks softly.

The "uh huh" gets caught in her throat, so she just nods. She straightens her back and, in one swift motion, swings a leg over Hal so she's hovering over his lap, keeping her hands on the back of the seat for leverage. Taking his cue, she doesn't wait for a signal, just moves in to kiss him again.

In her head, kisses from Hal were gentle and sweet. Just a light amount of tongue, but all the passion still there.

But here in his lap - she's dead wrong.

Their mouths are sloppy together and Penelope already knows her lipstick is probably a mess on both of them. Hal uses tongue - much more than she's used to - but she finds herself enjoying it. The rhythmic movements stir something in her quickly and all she knows is she want more.

She releases the pressure from her knees and lets herself slowly rest her thighs on Hal's lap. He moans lightly into her mouth at the action and shifts his legs slightly under her. His fingers finally untangle themselves from her hair and he runs his hands down her back, stopping over the hook to her bra and resting there. She waits for him to make another move, but his hands seem content where they are.

She lets go of the back of the seat and takes his face in her hands again. A lot of boys in their grade had already gotten into the habit of growing facial hair, but Hal typically kept himself clean shaven. He had a few days worth of scruff and she couldn't help but rub it for all it was worth.

His fingers twitch on her back and finally move downward. Down. Her blouse is tucked into her skirt and she can almost feel him tugging it out when he suddenly stops at her hips and rests his hands there, giving her the lightest squeeze.

She rolls her eyes and reluctantly lets go of his face. All at once, she takes either of his hands and places them on her breasts while letting herself fully fall onto his lap.

He breaks their kiss with a gasp and opens his eyes, staring at his hands on her chest. She smiles coyly at him and he lightly squeezes them before sliding his hands down to her ribcage.

Lipstick stains his face. "I am so sorry," he pants. "I didn't mean to do any of that."

Penelope grabs his hands again, but he doesn't let her move them this time.

"Why are you sorry?" She wraps her arms around his neck. "You didn't do anything wrong. Did that feel wrong?"

He slowly shakes his head. "No. No, I guess it didn't."

His eyes start to wander towards the window. The rain is still coming down hard and it looks like the middle of the night, not late afternoon.

Penelope did one brave thing today and she decides then and there to do another. She leans down to Hal's ear and whispers even though they may as well be the only two people in the world right now.

"Do you want to?"

She doesn't specify what, but the look in his face when she pulls back tells her he knows exactly what she's talking about. And something pressing into her thigh tells her he want the same exact thing.

Only he doesn't say yes. Hal licks his lips and looks to the side, eyes focusing on the steering wheel. His mouth opens and closes a few times unsurely but nothing comes out. Penelope takes his chin in her hand and tilts his face towards hers. She smiles kindly.

"Hal," she says in the softest voice she can manage. She wants to sound sexy, but still herself. She wasn't entirely sure if that was possible. "I don't mind."

His mouth is still hanging open when she lets go of him. She hears his gulp plain as day, even over the rain.

"I couldn't - I couldn't take advantage of you like that."

"I'm offering. I wouldn't do that for just anyone, okay?" She reaches out and gently rubs the scruff on his cheek. "You're special."

Hal pulls away from her and screws up his face. He lets his head fall back against the seat. He muttering something garbled under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I don't," he sighs. "I don't have a condom on me. Sorry."

The fluttering in her stomach stops immediately, along with quick beating of her heart. She slumps down, letting her hands fall to her side. "Oh," is all that comes out and she knows she sounds just as disappointed as she feels. A dozen questions sit on her tongue. Her heart feels like it's sinking into her stomach and she wonders if that strawberry milkshake is going to come back up.

One of Hal's eyes peek open and he immediately closes it again when he gets a look at her face. He takes his hands off her midsection and runs them through his hair.

"I am so stupid," he mumbles. "I am a grade A idiot. Alice is right. I can't do anything right. This is why she dumped me."

"No no no." Penelope shakes her head quickly and puts her hands back on his shoulders, pulling him straight. "I'm the one who's stupid. You're a wreck and here I am throwing myself at you."

Hal rubs both of his eyes. "No, you're just trying to help." When he uncovers his eyes, he smiles at her. "That was a really, uhhh, generous offer though. I have my head back on straight though. We're good."

It's Penelope's turn to swallow the lump in her throat. "We're good?"

"I just, I lost myself there for a few minutes. I wasn't thinking. Hell, I really might have taken you up on your offer if I had something on me."

Penelope purses her lips together as she nods. "Right."

His fingers drums against her hips. The words are in her mouth, waiting to pour out. She wants to scream that she likes him, maybe even loves him. That he deserves better than to have his heart broken into a million pieces by that no good scarlet woman Alice Smith. That he deserves to be center of someone's world for once. That she can be that for him. She wonders if she can say all that with a kiss. Not the needy, wantful kissing from a few minutes ago, but a different kind. The kind you see in movies and read in books. Where one simple kiss is all it takes to explain years of feelings.

"Penelope?" His voice brings her out of her thoughts and back to the front seat of his car. His fingers are still tapping at her hips. "Do you mind?" His eyes dart to the passenger seat.

"Oh. No. Of course not." She puts her weight back on her knees and swings her leg back, his hands still on her sides to keep her steady as she sits back down. Despite the warmth of the car, she immediately feels cold when his hands come off her.

"I should - you need to get home, right?" Hal asks her. He's already starting the car as she nods. She clicks on the radio to drown out her thoughts and a Wilson Phillips song comes blasting through the speakers.

 _I've had this dream that you'd always be by my side  
Oh, I could've died  
But now I see that you're so happy  
And ooh, it just sets me free  
And I'd like to see us as good of friends  
As we used to be_

She pulls back down the visor. Her lipstick is almost completely gone, save for some smeared around her lips. She wipes the excess off and applies a fresh coat. Her hair is knotted in places, a combination of getting wet in the rain and his fingers working their way through it.

Her stomach drops again. Had it really only been five minutes since she sat on his lap, breathing the same air as him, with everyone opportunity to express herself?

And how did she blow it? By offering her body to him.

God, she made herself sick sometimes.

"Your hair looks fine." Hal's hand reaches out and is suddenly on her shoulder. "Really. It's a little more wild than usual, but it looks nice like that."

Wild. Penelope catches herself before she cringes at the word. Wild was a word for Alice's hair.

"Thank you," she says softly. Hal gives her shoulder a squeeze.

"You're a terrific friend, Penelope. Terrific. I don't know what I'd do without you. You've been amazing these past few weeks."

She itches to place her hand over his, but doesn't. "I just want what's best for you, Hal. And - and I really think you're better off without her."

"Without who?"

"Without Alice, of course!" She looks to him incredibly and sees a smile playing on the corner of his lips. She always loved his smile.

"I guess you owe me a milkshake next time, huh?"

And just when she thinks she's free, he sucks her right back in.

She rehearses the words over and over again in her head during the short ride to her home. She'll quickly lean over and kiss him on the cheek, sure to leave a fresh lipstick mark there. Just as she turns to leave, she'll tell him to make sure he has a condom on him next time they hang out.

If that didn't tell him all he needed to know about her feelings, she didn't know what else would.

He pulls up in front of her house and goes to open his door. "I'll get the umbrella out of the trunk and walk you to the door."

"No!" she says quickly, grabbing his arm. Her parents were home and she didn't want to chance them seeing him.

"But you'll get wet again."

"It's fine. I'll run. I just - you know how strict they are."

He chuckles. "Your parents know me though."

"Not well enough. I don't want them to - to you know."

"To get the wrong idea."

To get the right idea, she thinks. "Exactly. I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend."

"I know, I know. It's just, I think a lot of people aren't allowed to date and still do. Everyone needs to be just a little rebellious sometimes, you know?"

"I don't want a boyfriend," she blurts out. She doesn't know where it comes from because a real boyfriend is exactly the kind of thing she thinks she'd love. Especially if it was present company. "I mean, I'm so selective about everything. I don't know how I'd ever find someone, you know?"

"No." Hal shakes his head. "I don't know. But I'm sure there's a perfect guy - a perfect anyone for you somewhere out there."

She presses her lips together, sure she's smearing her lipstick again. "I need to get inside. I'll see you at school tomorrow."

All at once, Hal slides over and wraps his arms around her in a hug. She hugs him back, all at once forgetting about the cheek kiss, and lets her head fall against his chest this time, listening to his stead heartbeat.

When they break apart, she grabs her bag off the floor and slides to door, ready to run to her front door.

"Hal?" she asks tentatively. When he looks up at her, doe eyed and innocent, she forgets her words entirely. "Lipstick."

He cocks an eyebrow. "Lipstick?"

"On your face. I'm so sorry. It's all over your mouth." She mentally kicks herself as he wipes his mouth clean with a tissue from the glove compartment. "I don't want to get you in trouble. Your mom would probably kill you if you went home like that."

He smiles, stretching his lips out to make sure they're clean. "Not if I told her it was you. She really likes you. Way more than she likes Alice."

She swallows hard. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Penelope, I -"

She slams the door shut and takes off at a run to up the walkway and to the front door.

No way could she follow up such a sweet sentence with something as perverse as what she was thinking. So she ran. Like she always did.

Tomorrow. She'd talk to him tomorrow.

Or perhaps at Ricky Mante's big party this weekend. Parties always put people in an excellent mood.

Yes. That was it. She'd put it off until the weekend. After all, what could happen before then?


End file.
